بعد از چند ماه هم رو میبینیم. ماسک تا زیر چشمهام رو پوشونده اما خودمم. منم. سلام و علیک اول بیحال و گنگ انجام میشه. منم. من. صدا، چشمهایی که دروغ گفتن بلد نیستن و اون حس آشنایی تو لحن و صدای من کار خودش رو میکنه. دقیق میشه توی صورتم و بالاخره اسمم رو صدا میزنه. منم. خودمم.
ماتش میبره، میگه «خیلی لاغر شدی، اصلا نشناختمت.» لبخند میزنم، لبخندم رو نمیبینه. لبها و بینیام مدتهاست زیر ماسک پنهانن. باید باشن. ماسک روی صورت آدمها فضای شهر رو امنتر میکنه به همه حس امنیت و قانونمندی میده. تند و پشت سر هم میپرسه «چی کار کردی؟ ورزش؟ جراحی؟ رژیم؟»
چی کار کردهام؟ چجوری باید توضیح بدم هفت هفتهای رو که گذروندم؟ شاید داره شوخی میکنه و دنبال بهونه است برای نشناختن من. شاید … دوست مشترکمون از دور نزدیک میشه و سلام و احوالپرسی گرمی با هم میکنن و بیتوجه به من میخواد از کنارم رد بشه. شوخیاش گرفته. صداش میکنم، برمیگرده، چشمهامون خیره به هم نگاه میکنن. چشمها. اسمم رو صدا میزنه؛ خودمم. منم. ناباورانه براندازم میکنه. بهتزده با صدایی که از زیر ماسک سفیدش میزنه بیرون فقط میتونه بگه «چقدر لاغر شدی!»
دیگه باید با این واقعیت کنار بیام، لاغر شدم! دو ماه پیش برای شنیدن این ترکیب، حاضر بودم چه مشقتهایی رو تحمل کنم. رنج. رنجی که در ادبیات عرفانی ما و حتی در سفر قهرمانی اسطورهای جوزف کمبل از ارکان اصلی رسیدنه … رنج؟ متحمل رنجی نشدم. مطمئنم. خیلی بهم خوش گذشته، خودم رو پیدا کردم. خود عاشقم رو.
چند سال پیش وقتی استاد صحبت از عشق جهان شمول و پاکسازی تن و روان میکرد، باورم شده بود، حرفش رو میفهمم اما چه فهمیدنی! چطور باور کرده بودم؟ وقتی هنوز خودم رو دوست نداشتم. دوست داشتن خودم با چند اما و اگه همراه بود، با شرط، با قید، با بند. بندهای محکم که من رو نگه داشته بود، بالهای پروازم رو شاید … این تازه شروعشه. شروع عشق جهان شمولی که سالهاست در جستجویش هستم. اما چطور باید توضیحش بدم؟ چی کار کردم؟ لاغر شدنم، حال امروزم، سبکی و رهایی و این عشق … عشق به من، به خودم رو چطور تو چند جمله توضیح بدم؟
چه اتفاقی برام افتاده؟ تند ولی شمرده میپرسه «کجا رفتی؟ رژیمش سخته؟» میگم «نه، اصلا نفهمیدم چجوری لاغر شدم!» رنگ نگاهش عوض میشه. He won the match and after a while he asked, "What is their method?" I have to find a way, there has to be a way. The combination of the words mind awareness and body awareness keep popping up in my head. Maybe I should explain that it is considered a kind of work on the mind, or psychology or... He is still staring at me and ignoring his shawl that is sliding on his head, he pulls his mask away from his face with two fingers to get more air into his lungs. My silence increases his doubts and perhaps his fear, "Where is he anyway?" He is curious and waiting for my answer. I don't want to spoil his taste by saying "it's hard to explain". Now he really wants to hear that it answers for him.
First, I will answer the easiest question, "Towards Sattar Khan". He exhales all the air he has taken into his lungs. The mask moves up and down on his face. Hearing the name of the familiar neighborhood, he is a little relieved, I can see the peace in his eyes. Before I can put the words together to answer his first question, he counts and slowly asks again, "Is his diet difficult?"
I shake my head in denial, my mind is busy putting words together. Finally, I find a few words that can convey the correct meaning from my crowded bag of words, "mostly lifestyle change." He looks dumber. For a few moments, I regret losing weight, coming, trying to get him to know me. Why is it so difficult for me to explain? The last time we saw each other, he was thinking about lipo and surgery. He even took time to go to counseling. Before that, he was on a strict and deadly diet that even thinking about it is enough to make me feel intense heat in my head. When I hear his voice, I feel relieved, I still have time.
"I went for surgery, everything was ok... I also got a discount, but it got into this damn thing and the quarantine game." I am more determined to get rid of the thought of surgery. Surgery means anesthesia, razor, blood, pain, etc. What is that? If he doesn't really change, he can only enjoy watching himself in the mirror for a short period. "Now I went under the supervision of a nutritionist again, but I don't reduce it." Imagining a sheet full of names and sizes of food is not a pleasant image at all. My mind turns back and is not ready to read even a word of that paper in my imagination. "Calculate the calories in my diet! But as if not. Nega" shows me his sides with both hands. I really feel sorry for him. poor baby "Now my doctor said to come after quarantine, for surgery."
The words come out from under the white mask on my face. As if before me, they can't stand clapping. "Surgery is not an option, you know it yourself. Quarantine saved you. A balanced body will never be overweight. If you don't fix the problem, do surgery, become a barbie, it will come back. You just hurt your body and burned it." There is nothing left to cry about. i understand He always thought of easy ways to get rid of all these extra burdens. "What should I do then? When the doctor saw my case, he said that I am a good option for surgery. He answers, "I'm going." I can't stop laughing. Under the mask, the ends of my lips part and stretch. silent.
It's not as difficult as before, standing in line to get the words out. They are very confident and calm me down. "Until you don't love yourself, nothing will be fixed. Until you find the root of the problem, you can't reach your goal. Now that nothing can be done, everywhere is closed. Try this method, if it doesn't work, then go for surgery." He smiles, "You speak very confidently!" Does it really work?" I laugh and let him hear my laughter, "If you are thinking about the action, try this first. You don't miss anything. Do you give? He shakes his head negatively. Suddenly, his face becomes confused. "If it's with hypnosis and mental exercises... I went to him once... it didn't work." I continue to laugh. "I also went to a psychologist, he cried and screamed and told me that you should empty yourself to lose weight, but that didn't work either." I just look at it. "I also started a metabolism-boosting diet, twice. It was so hard for me. I was hungry all day... it didn't work at all." He doesn't look at me. "Drinks, medicine, cryo, etc. I went to someone who knew traditional medicine and said that you should correct your temper... He gave me boiling water. One is more nonsense than the other... nothing at all... nothing at all. I added three kilos. Do you understand?" There is no more feeling of regret. I'm glad I lost weight, I'm glad I saw him, I'm glad I listened to everything he said. Silent, staring at the mask on my face. I am waiting to say something. I hit "Perhaps give a series of answers to all these methods you mentioned. But when you live like before and you don't make the necessary changes in your ways, nothing changes. Can this be you?" He raises his shoulders and looks at two or three big white clouds in the blue sky. "Is it like this where you went? Can it change my lifestyle?" I shake my head to show a positive answer. "If you want." I am glad to see him. I'm glad that... "What was his name?" Counting, I say "Sibita." He repeats this word to himself several times. I am happy that I stepped on the path and experienced becoming a Cibitai. I'm glad that instead of him, I don't think about surgery and diet in the middle of the street. I am glad that I can help her to feel better and enjoy looking at herself in her mirror. I am happy that I experienced loving myself. One should listen, be quiet, just listen. That's it.
Marjan Sibitai
