Perfectionism; friend or foe

Author: Mohsen Derakhshan Nesab | Last update: 4 Mehr 1404

Perfectionism; Friend or enemy? Have you ever spent hours doing a simple task, such as writing a short text or preparing a work report, and still not be satisfied with yourself at the end? Or when you want to start something, you think so much about the ideal result that you never even take the first step? If these experiences are familiar to you, you probably have moderate perfectionism (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

What is perfectionism and why is it important?

Perfectionism means trying to reach the best possible state. At first glance, it doesn't seem like a bad thing. After all, we all want to do our work properly, cleanly and perfectly.
But the problem starts when this "being great" becomes a mental obsession. That is, no result, no matter how good, does not satisfy us and we are constantly looking for better and better (Shafran & Mansell, 2001).

Signs of perfectionism

1. Not starting things because we think we are not ready yet.
2. Procrastination (the well-known procrastination).
3. Being hard on ourselves and others.
4. Ignoring small successes, because we don't see them.
5. The constant feeling of "not being enough" (Frost et al., 1990).

One of the most important signs that is the root of many perfectionist behaviors is the feeling of inadequacy!

The feeling of inadequacy and its connection with perfectionism

Perfectionism; Friend or enemy? One of the most important and influential signs of perfectionism is that a person never feels good enough. Even when he achieves great success, there is still an active critical voice inside saying: "You could be better" or "It's still not enough".
This feeling is usually formed in two ways:

1. Educational roots

In many families, the child is praised only when he performs perfectly; For example, when he gets a score of 20 or gets the best result. If something goes wrong, instead of support, he faces blame or comparison with others. These experiences gradually condition the child's mind that "my value depends on my perfection" (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).

Read more:Family relations in Iranian culture

2. Society and culture

Society also reinforces the message that "you must always be the best" with high standards of success, constant comparisons in school, work environment or even social networks. This external pressure intensifies the feeling of inadequacy (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

3. Internalization of criticism

When the child repeatedly hears the message "You are not enough yet", this voice gradually becomes a part of his inner dialogue. In adulthood, even without the presence of parents or an external critic, the person constantly repeats this message (Shafran & Mansell, 2001).
So the constant feeling of inadequacy is not just a simple personality trait; Rather, it is the product of a combination of strict upbringing, cultural pressures and internalization of criticism. For this reason, working with this part in psychological therapy usually involves reviewing childhood experiences and changing the critical inner dialogue.

What is wrong with perfectionism?

1. Constant anxiety and stress: we are always worried that we will make mistakes or not reach the ideal level.
2. Mental and physical exhaustion: The endless effort to be perfect takes a lot of energy from us.
3. Missing opportunities: Many times we don't start something because we feel we are not perfect yet.
4. Strict relationships: because we have high expectations of ourselves, we want the same from those around us (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).

Perfectionism; Friend or enemy? The consequences of perfectionism show that when the effort to be perfect becomes too much, our life suffers from pressure, anxiety and loss of opportunities. But not all efforts to improve are negative. This is where the difference between "healthy growth" and "unhealthy perfectionism" becomes important: one encourages us to improve and the other keeps us stuck in the trap of being perfect.

Read more: The relationship between anxiety and deep breathing: saving the mind and body With the power of conscious breathing

The difference between healthy growth and unhealthy perfectionism

Healthy growth: means trying to get better, accepting mistakes and learning from them.
Unhealthy perfectionism: It means not making mistakes at any cost and not accepting any weakness.
An example: A student who tries hard for the exam and gets a grade of 17 will be happy because he has improved compared to the last time = healthy growth.
A student who is unhappy with getting a 19 because he should have gotten a 20 = unhealthy perfectionism (Stoeber & Otto, 2006).

Exercise and practical solutions to cope with perfectionism

1. Determination of realistic standard

• Everything doesn't have to be perfect; Being enough is often enough.
Research shows that setting realistic goals reduces psychological stress and increases motivation to take action (Locke & Latham, 2002).

Practical exercise:

Pick a daily task (like cleaning your room or writing an email) and instead of "must be perfect," write three standard levels for it:

1. Minimum (acceptable), average (good), excellent (perfect).
2. Then just commit yourself to doing the minimum level.

This frees the mind from the pressure of being "excellent".

2. Focus on the process, not just the result

• Instead of only caring about the destination, enjoy the journey.
• Focusing on the process increases satisfaction and reduces anxiety related to the final results (Schunk, 1990).

Practical exercise:

1. When you are busy with something (eg cooking or writing a report)
2. Write down three moments when you enjoyed or learned something while working.

This will shift your attention from the final result to the experience of the route.

3. Practicing error acceptance

• Mistakes are a natural part of their life, not a sign of weakness.
Accepting mistakes as an opportunity to learn causes psychological flexibility and reduces self-criticism (Neff, 2003).
Practical exercise:

1. At the end of every week, write down your three mistakes
2. Then write a positive sentence in front of each one: "This mistake taught me...".

This exercise helps you not to see the mistake as an enemy, but to accept it as a teacher.

4. Dividing the work into small steps

• When you break something down, it's easier to start.
• Breaking big goals into small steps reduces the fear of starting and increases the likelihood of continuing (Bandura, 1997).
Practical exercise:

1. Choose a big goal like "write a thesis" or "start exercising" and divide it into 5 small steps (for example: choosing a topic, finding sources, writing a basic plan...).
2. Then just do the first step.

When the first step is taken, the mind continues more easily.

5. Appreciate small successes

• Praise yourself for every small improvement (Egan et al., 2011).
• Practicing gratitude and recording small improvements strengthens self-confidence and motivation (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
Practical exercise:

1. Have a notebook or app
2. Write three positive or small things you did every night; Even if it is very simple (for example: I walked for 10 minutes today).

Reviewing these small successes boosts self-confidence.

Read more:Recognizing individual values

Perfectionism and the digital world

In today's era, the digital world and especially social networks play an important role in intensifying perfectionism. Platforms like Instagram and Tik Tok inspire us with unrealistic standards by showing ideal and filtered lives. For example, edited photos of bodies, houses or achievements make people constantly compare themselves with these images and feel inadequate (Perloff, 2014). This constant comparison increases the pressure to be perfect and can lead to anxiety and low self-confidence.
Furthermore, by promoting "great" content (such as perfect tutorial videos or overly motivational posts), social media algorithms encourage us to always present the best version of ourselves, even if it's not true. This can add to the delay, as people may hold off on publishing their work until it reaches that digital standard.

Solutions:

To combat this effect, you can use strategies such as limiting the time you use social networks (for example, 30 minutes a day) and following accounts that show reality instead of perfection. Also, noting the emotional impact every time you check social media can help you deal with these pressures more consciously.

A few last words

Finally, the answer to the question of perfectionism; Friend or foe? It depends on how we deal with it. Perfectionism is like a double-edged sword. One side can make us grow and progress, the other side can make our life full of anxiety and failure. The golden point is to learn to distinguish between "trying to be better" and "getting stuck in the trap of being perfect".

So the next time you find yourself blaming yourself for a small mistake, remember:
Sometimes "being good" is much better than "never starting to be great" (Flett & Hewitt, 2016).

Resources 1

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York, NY: Freeman
Egan, S. J., Wade, T. D., & Shafran, R. (2011). Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: A clinical review. Clinical Psychology Review, 31 (2), 203–212
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84 (2), 377–389
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2016). Reflections on three decades of research on multidimensional perfectionism: An introduction to the special issue on further advances. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 38 (1), 1–4

منابع 2

Frost, R. O., Marten, P. A., Lahart, C. M., & Rosenblate, R. (1990). The dimensions of perfectionism. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 14 (5), 449–468
Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60 (3), 456–470
Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (2002). Building a practically useful theory of goal setting and task motivation: A 35-year odyssey. American Psychologist, 57 (9), 705–717
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2 (2), 85–101
Perloff, R. M. (2014). Social media effects on young women’s body image concerns: Theoretical perspectives and an agenda for research. Sex Roles, 71 (11–12), 363–377. 6
Schunk, D. H. (1990). Goal setting and self-efficacy during self-regulated learning. Educational Psychologist, 25 (1), 71–86
Shafran, R., & Mansell, W. (2001). Perfectionism and psychopathology: A review of research and treatment. Clinical Psychology Review, 21 (6), 879–906
Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive conceptions of perfectionism: Approaches, evidence, challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10 (4), 295–319

Author of the article: Mohsen Derakhshannasab – Psychologist Clinical, Researcher, hypnosis therapist, Author and Psychotherapist in Shahryar and Tehran.

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