Another issue that people should pay attention to when starting a relationship is paying attention to each other's feelings and perceptions.

People's feelings include a wide range of their mental and physical states, and not paying attention to any of them can cause a break in the relationship with the other party.

On the other hand, paying attention to the perceptions concluded from people's feelings is also very important in establishing a healthy relationship between people.

Deep understanding of other people's emotions - anxieties - failures and mental depressions makes us establish a healthier relationship with them... it doesn't matter if the feelings of the people in front of us are real or not... the important thing is that these feelings are real and should be taken into consideration

A woman who at the beginning of her marriage needs her husband's attention and confirmation of her behavior... If the subject is emotionally neglected, he will suffer from depression and lack of communication over time. This problem has been observed especially in the case of people who, at the beginning of a relationship, get confused due to the lack of planning for the implementation of new tasks, and they need their other party to understand this confusion, rather than making fun of it or acting as a compensatory factor.

The need for attention and empathy at the beginning of life

Similarly, men who have emotions and anxieties caused by accepting their new social responsibilities at the beginning of their marriage should be well understood by their wives so that over time the intensity of their emotions will decrease and the power of rational and logical discernment will be created in them to move things forward.

Of course, never overdo it in paying attention to each other's feelings and perceptions and always try to calm down the other party and understand their mental states by using the mechanism of empathy (see the explanations in the 15th session of this speech series).

If our communication partner (whether this person is our spouse...or our colleague...or our friend) at the beginning of the communication link has certain mental states, feelings and perceptions.... Never ignore these situations or try to deal with them. but even if these situations are illogical and unreal... First, believe it to be true and accept that your other party is in a situation of heterogeneity with his previous nature and it is necessary to help him... Helping means empathy and understanding his special conditions... It means offering suggestions to facilitate the implementation of his duties

Tadabir in a good relationship

To start a life together, decide that you are confident of your independence and ability to manage a new family
Consider the time when you are aware of each other's wishes and attitudes and know that both of you are pursuing a common goal. To reach this recognition, give each other some time
In this big world, no two people are alike. The obvious differences between two sisters or two brothers who are both born of the same mother and father, is self-explanatory, so choose the main and basic criteria as the basis of understanding. Stopping and standing on each other's secondary principles will not help much to improve marital relations Before getting married, think seriously about addiction and make sure that your spouse is not addicted to any kind of drugs. Don't let the hope of leaving or leaving cause a troubled life to begin To live a good and peaceful life, love your chosen lifestyle. An eye for an eye, jealousy and luxury, has not lifted the heavy burden of today's lives from the shoulders of any young couple, indeed, reducing expectations is a great treasure for building the future of a young couple.

Learn patience

Patience is not a cultivated trait in our culture. We even grow impatient with patience. We want action and answers now. We want our lives to change immediately. We want fame now. We ignore the fact that if we want right action, right answers and lasting change, we have to wait. Things like careful analysis, thoughtful consideration, and calm counsel take time. This is especially true when it comes to love. We want complete friends with desired relationships as soon as possible, and if this hope is not fulfilled immediately, we are ready to leave relationships without paying attention to time, patience and perseverance. Patience requires passion, tolerance of suffering, patience and persistence in difficult times, the reward of which is the strength of commitments, patience. patience
Small resentments destroy love like a plague Big events rarely stand in the way of love, small and unimportant issues hit the hardest. A woman likes to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, a man is an orderly person, he wants to squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom and use it, although this action is a bit annoying, but it should not be considered a serious threat to family relations.

Communication management

Psychologists and social workers suggest different ways to start the mediation of married life, which it is impossible to review all of them in this limited space, but the best way is not to get confused... Very easily and calmly, write down all the tasks of you and your spouse on a piece of paper and explain them clearly and clearly to each other and specify how much you can help your spouse in performing their tasks. At the same time, specify the scope of your personal performance and fill in the boundaries.

Now the tasks are divided into three long-term categories... medium term... Divide and short-term and determine the duration and time for each.

Try not to be idealistic when defining each other's tasks and pay attention to each other's practical and practical realities.... For example, don't ask a girl who is young at the time of marriage and doesn't have much experience in hosting several families as guests, that from tomorrow morning you have to put the pot on high and low and cook rice and rice and do some kind of hospitality and...

Surely, such an expectation from a young bride is wrong.... In the same way, a young king-in-law should not be expected to be rebellious and supervise all the affairs of life like a settled man from the day after the wedding and to handle his job duties

tie

Equality (EQUALITY)

Always remember that insisting on non-shared and unequal principles and values between two people will cause more distance between them. For example, assume that I, as a Shia Muslim, become friends with another person as a Sunni Muslim. If in this relationship I constantly seek to draw discussions and connections on the issue of differences in Shia and Sunni attitudes, I will certainly lose my friend very soon, but if, on the contrary, I always insist on common principles and equal values between us (for example, I pay attention to the fact that we are both human.... We are both monotheists.... We both have the same religion.... We both have the same Prophet and the same Qibla) our friendships will deepen and we will establish a healthier relationship with others. .

It is also possible to refer to other equality of values and attitudes among different people.

Legal equality - economic equality - geographic equality - cultural and social equality - educational equality - sexual equality - emotional equality and...

Positivism

Positivism or POSITIVNESS

It is not bad to know that our attitude towards ourselves and also towards the surrounding environment is effective in establishing a healthy relationship with others. We should love ourselves in any situation and have a positive attitude towards ourselves. We must love ourselves and choose the best for this lover. Is it possible to love someone but give him a bad gift? So if you love yourself, always choose the best for yourself. Whenever such an attitude is created in you... You will never be willing to do a wrong action that will be written on your account ….. You will never be willing to eat food that is harmful to your health ….. You will never be willing to choose someone as your friend who will cause you harm

Make no mistake ………. !!! This self-love is different from ((selfishness)).

In this attitude, sacrifice and self-sacrifice are the main criteria, and there is no place for pride and arrogance.

Usually, those who have the most forgiveness towards those around them have the most love for themselves and their future.

This special attitude teaches you to always feel pleasant and favorable about yourself. Therefore, you will always remain positive.

The late Saadi Shirazi says:

I love the world because the world belongs to him.

But at a higher level of positive thinking, you should see everything around you as beautiful, as Mr. Saadi said... Get your eyes used to seeing beauty and try to be blind to the evils around you.

Eyes should be washed

It should be seen differently

You should go with all the people of the city under the rain

Such an attitude makes you fall in love with life and causes you to spread the feeling of love around you. Certainly, in the light of such a view, you establish the best relationship with other people and they feel beautiful next to you.

support or supportivness

When we support our audience against the social and behavioral adversities of others, we actually instill a sense of trust and confidence in them, and this principle makes our audience always feel safe and calm with us and maintain their relationship with us.

Of course, there should not be unnecessary or excessive support for the audience.

Unnecessary patronage is a kind of false and unfair social behavior, and excessive patronage will cause communication boredom of contacts or disable them from behavioral and perceptual dynamics in establishing a relationship.

So always support our friends to the extent necessary and in accordance with justice and fairness so that they also support us

Empathy

This process, which tells about the common sense and deep relationship between people, is very effective in creating a relaxing atmosphere for human interaction.

Molvi says:

O two Turks are like strangers, O Hindu and Turk speaking the same language

So, the language of empathy is another empathy. Empathy is better than speaking

Really skilled friends, no matter how much we talk to each other and understand each other's words... As long as our hearts are not close to each other and we do not have a common feeling of each other's joys and sorrows, we do not have a good relationship.

A few days ago, in this same club, I asked all of you to pray for the recovery of one of my loved ones, and many of you shamed my humble servant and sympathized with me.

See how effective empathy and feeling are in establishing a healthy relationship with people!!!

Just note that empathizing is different from sympathizing. We can have a common feeling of each other's joys and sorrows, but this feeling should not be more than the understanding of the first person.

Self-openness (openness):

People who want to establish a healthy relationship with other people should not be afraid of sharing information with others and make secrecy the basis of their relationship. Self-openness means that we need the necessary information....I emphasize, only the necessary information.... About ourselves to the people we want to have a relationship with so that they have the power to decide whether to continue the relationship with us. It means to give information about our moral and behavioral characteristics to others very easily and without worry, and so to speak, open up....Unfortunately, many people go to extremes in establishing relationships with others and in implementing the principle of self-openness. That is, whatever information they have, both private and public... negative and positive points... They tell everything to their friends and open their hearts to everyone and end up being misused of information....or they don't give back and don't say anything and hide everything and they expect everyone to open up to them.... It is very clear that in both of the above cases, a healthy relationship will not be established because your audience imagines a vague image of you in their mind or misuses the countless information you give them. So, I emphasize that self-opening is necessary to establish a healthy relationship, but in a normal and non-destructive way!

Another mechanism of healthy and stable communication between people is that the person who needs to communicate knows and understands the conditions of his audience.

In other words, just as it is necessary to know and heal ourselves to start a healthy relationship, we must also know our audience and get to know their capacities, abilities and limitations. This knowledge has both a psychological and a social aspect (that is, we must know our audience both in terms of the psychology of individual behavior and we must also examine them in terms of sociology and the type of behavior they have in society)

Some of the features, opinions and behavior of our audience are specific to him and he will bring it with him in any situation. For example, a person who is the third child of a family of 6 always has this characteristic and never becomes the eldest child of his family. Or a person who lies in order to free himself when he feels danger has a behavioral problem of his own, which will probably continue until that problem is solved. Similarly, someone who has special opinions about the issues surrounding him, including political, social, economic, etc., always carries these opinions with him even if he does not express them.

Let me give a clearer example:

nMany of us when we call someone and want to talk to him... we only pay attention to our needs and express our problem, and we don't even think about whether the person on the phone has time to listen to us or not? Is it able to solve our problem in the current situation or not? Is there a reliable and trustworthy person to plan our needs or not? Does what he has said and behaved about himself so far match the facts of his personality and social life or not?

Self-knowledge to make connections

About 50 years ago, an American sociologist named ((Harold Laswell)) by examining the ideas of thinkers before him, presented a valid theory in the science of communication, which brought the mentioned knowledge into a new channel

Laswell said that in the process of communicating with someone, we should answer five basic questions

First of all, who am I?

Secondly, what is my need and what do I say?

Thirdly, by what means do I express my need and through which channel do I communicate?

Fourth, who is my friend and to whom do I express my need?

And fifthly, what effect do my words have on my friend?

first question

Really, many of us don't know ourselves well... I don't mean that we don't know what our first and last names are... I mean that we are unfamiliar with our true moods and moods, or we lie to ourselves and cover up our heads for many reasons that I will discuss in the following discussions.

For example, I am an emotional and irritable person, but some days I rub juice on my head and pretend to be an insensitive and dry person.... Not long ago, I realized that the new format is not suitable for me and I can't bear the blows that are inflicted on me in this format.