آیا احساس میکنید که مرتکب همان اشتباهات همیشگی در روابط عاطفی می شوید؟ به خودتان می گویید که دیگر خطوط قرمز را در روابطتان نادیده نخواهید گرفت، دیگر کمتر از آنچه که شایسته اش هستید را نخواهید پذیرفت، دیگر در روابط (یا حتی موقعیت های عاطفی بی نتیجه) که دیگر به شما خدمت نمی کنند نمی مانید. اما با این حال، هر بار که با فردی جدید وارد رابطه می شوید، احساس می کنید که دوباره همان چرخه را تکرار می کنید. آیا عشق شما نفرین شده است؟ آیا محکوم به بودن در روابط سمی هستید؟
این حقیقت ناراحت کننده است: گاهی اوقات شما به روابط سمی جذب می شوید. تله های روانی را با احساس امنیت اشتباه می گیرید، به خطوط قرمز نگاه می کنید و فقط رنگ سبز را می بینید. اما می توانید این رفتار سمی را متوقف کنید و به طور آگاهانه روابط سالم را انتخاب کنید. راهنمای زیر نشان می دهد چگونه این کار را انجام دهید.
تعریف یک پارتنر سمی
قبل از اینکه بفهمیم چگونه از یک رابطه سمی رهایی پیدا کنیم، بیایید درباره اینکه یک رابطه سمی واقعاً چیست صحبت کنیم. امروزه، همه از واژههای “سمی” یا “نارسیسیست” برای توصیف پارتنر سابق خود استفاده می کنند، اما به هر پارتنر دشوار و مشکل دار نمی توان این برچسب ها را زد. روابط همیشه بالا و پایین هایی خواهند داشت و مشکلات سختی برای حل کردن وجود خواهد داشت.
علائم پنهان و آشکار یک پارتنر سمی
- بیاحترامی: زمانی که احساسات یا دیدگاه های خود را بیان می کنید، آنها نظرات شما را نادیده می گیرند. احساسات و افکار شما به اندازهی احساسات و افکار آنها اهمیت ندارد.
- عدم بلوغ عاطفی: آنها می بینند که شما ناراحتید، اما آنچه اهمیت دارد خودشان هستند. احساسات آنها، نیازهای آنها و اینکه چقدر درست هستند.
- خود خواهی: در رابطه هیچ تعادلی وجود ندارد. شما می دهید و آنها می گیرند. They don't care what is going on in your inner world. What matters is their perception of your relationship.
- Blaming: They blame you for their actions, "You made me like this! You made me crazy! I'm not the problem, you are!" They may manipulate your perspective to take control and find justifications for their behavior.
- Lack of accountability: It's not their fault, it's yours. They expect you to forgive their mistakes all the time, but they rarely pay attention to your side. They are the victim, not you.
- Trust Issues: They don't trust you, even if you have no reason not to. Worse, they can't forgive you for past problems and always hold old grudges.
- Lack of support: When you share your emotional issues with them, you don't feel really supported. Instead, some conversations leave you feeling misunderstood, humiliated, frustrated, inadequate, and disconnected.
- Toxic Communication: Communication is full of assumptions, mind-reading, defensiveness, criticism, unfair wars, and combativeness. Many unresolved issues are swept under the rug and you don't speak up or react to avoid conflict.
- Low Self-Esteem: Boundaries are not respected and your sense of self is diminished, which makes you feel inadequate and worthless. You lose confidence in your decisions and start to question your judgment.
The confusing part is that there are still good moments. This is why you stay in this relationship. You remember a time when everything seemed perfect and you could feel how much they cared about you.
This lack of alignment with yourself makes you forget your worth and prevent you from leaving an unhealthy situation.
Repetitive Patterns and Factors Affecting the Choice of a Romantic Partner
For years I found myself attracted to people who were emotionally They were not available and had a mysterious character. No matter how different they seemed, the same pattern always repeated itself in my relationships: they were tense, unstable, unreliable, and often too involved in their emotions to meet my needs. This created an unhealthy pattern in my relationships that repeated itself in every relationship.
I now see that it is rooted in a Freudian concept called the “repetition compulsion”—an unconscious pull to repeat our past patterns in hopes of healing and “getting over” the hurt, even when doing so causes more damage. When we fail to transform the unconscious into consciousness, we end up repeating the same cycle over and over again. I looked for emotionally unavailable versions of my father, who could never meet my mother's needs.
I thought my previous partners were more sympathetic and vulnerable than they were. In response to their self-centeredness, I made myself smaller and smaller until I no longer needed them—just like my mother did for years with my father. Those past traumas created an overly independent personality in me and kept me stuck in a cycle of despair.
Attachment styles matter too
Attachment styles played a big part in this. Having an anxious attachment style, I was attracted to people who avoided emotional attachment and kept enough distance so that I could still be attached to them. It was a formula for instability, but because it was all I knew, it seemed familiar and natural to me.
Psychology calls this the “simple exposure effect” or the “familiarity principle,” a rule of thumb where familiarity breeds attraction and we prefer familiar options over unfamiliar ones.
Identify Common Traits Among Past Partners
Start Search Make patterns in the history of your emotional relationships. This exercise will help you identify any repetitive tendencies and behaviors. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- What kind of people do you attract?
- How does your image of your “ideal type” limit you to a type of person who may not be capable of deep intimacy?
- Are there traits (empathy, patience, vulnerability, etc.) that unintentionally draw you into toxic relationships?
- How do these relationships usually end?
- Are there common factors in relationship endings?
- What did the behaviors or statements of your previous partners tell you about yourself?
- How is this situation similar to what you experienced as a child?
- What are the stories your partners are telling you about you?
- Have you accepted behaviors that were unhealthy? If yes, what were those behaviors?
- Do you find yourself attracted to the same type of people again?
Now, write about the people you were attracted to:
- What qualities did they have in common?
- Was the lack of some important quality you needed—emotional availability, empathy, awareness—constantly observed?
- Why was there a lack of value?
- Have you ever felt like you were "going overboard" to ask for things like respect or commitment?
- Have you found yourself compromising your needs and values in order to maintain the relationship in hopes that the person will give you what you needed?
Recognizing these patterns can help you avoid attracting a toxic partner in the future.
Strategies for Identifying and Changing Harmful Patterns
After identifying harmful patterns, the next step is learning how to trust your gut. In a toxic relationship, you may initially think that something is wrong. I'm not sure if this person is right for me. I don't feel like I can be myself. Instead of ignoring your feelings because you're excited about their love potential, pay attention to where they're coming from.
Another way is to step outside of your normal self and meet different people than you've always been attracted to. It may be helpful to bypass superficial filters such as height, age, background or instant attraction and focus instead on positive qualities such as kindness, understanding, honesty and consistency. When you pay attention to healthy and mature signs before the relationship becomes serious, you will reach healthier relationships. Consider your non-negotiables and walk away from any relationship that fails to deliver these qualities from the start.
Finally, talk honestly with loved ones you trust. Asking for their opinion about your relationship can help you understand what they see in you and your relationship. As you get to know others, practicing setting boundaries and writing in a journal will be very helpful to track patterns and properly assess your partners.
The Importance of Self-Awareness
When I entered the most toxic relationship of my life, I finally faced my own story. This was the biggest wake-up call. I realized that I couldn't keep trying to write a new happy ending with the same dysfunctional characters. I stopped trying to get my needs met by men who were unable to do so in the first place.
Remember that self-awareness is valuable, but self-compassion is just as important. You may feel like you have to blame yourself for getting into painful relationships. Forgive yourself for not seeing the signs and staying in those relationships longer than you should have. You can't change the past, but you can move forward by appreciating the changes you are making now. From now on, you can confidently know that you will embrace healthier relationships.
Finding the right support can be key. A therapist specializing in self-esteem, relationship dynamics or attachment styles can be a great ally to help you find clarity, process your relationship experiences, and guide you every step of the way.
Source:
https://www.verywellmind.com/why-do-i-always-attract-toxic-partners-8745854
