Have you ever felt that you repeat the same mistakes over and over again in your emotional relationships? Do you attract toxic people? You promise yourself that you will no longer ignore the warning signs, accept less than what you deserve, and stay in relationships or even pseudo-relationships that no longer serve you. But still, every time you get into a new relationship, it's like the same cycle repeats itself. Is your love cursed? Are you doomed to be in a toxic relationship?

The unfortunate truth is that sometimes we are unconsciously attracted to harmful relationships. We mistake mental traps for a sense of security and ignore warning signs as if we see red lights as green. But you can stop these toxic patterns and consciously choose healthier relationships. The guide below will show you how to do this.

Definition of a toxic partner

Before we can find a way to get out of a toxic relationship, we need to understand what exactly a toxic relationship is. These days, many people call the other person "toxic" or "narcissistic as soon as a relationship ends, but the reality is that any demanding partner or any strained relationship is necessarily toxic. It is not.

Everyone has ups and downs in relationships and sometimes they face difficult issues. The existence of a problem alone is not a sign that a relationship is toxic; But when harmful, unhealthy and repetitive behaviors enter the relationship, that's where you should worry.

True toxicity manifests itself when there are persistent and repetitive patterns in the relationship that undermine, disrespect and devalue you.

Hidden and obvious signs of a toxic relationship

1. Disrespect:

When you talk about your feelings or express a different point of view, he trivializes or ignores you. As if your feelings and thoughts are not as valuable as his feelings.

2. Emotional immaturity:

Even if he notices your discomfort, all he cares about is himself—his feelings, his desires, and proving himself right.

3. Self-centeredness:

There is no balance in the relationship. You are always giving and he is taking. He is not interested in your inner world; The only thing that matters to him is his own perception of the relationship.

4. Blaming:

He doesn't accept responsibility for his behavior and puts all the blame on you: "You made me do this!" You brought me to this state! The problem is not mine, it's yours!" Sometimes it penetrates your mind so much that it changes your perspective in order to gain more control and make a justification for its behavior.

5. Irresponsibility:

Any mistake that happens is your fault, not his. He expects you to forgive and ignore his mistakes, but he rarely pays attention to your feelings or looks. He always plays the role of the victim.

6. Distrust:

Even if you have not given any reason for distrust, he still doubts you. Worse than that, he cannot let go of the past and he still carries old grudges and annoyances with him.

7. Lack of emotional support:

When you share your feelings with him, you don't feel like he really understands you or stands by you. Sometimes after talking to him, you feel humiliated, misunderstood, inadequate, or even emotionally distant from him.

8. Unhealthy communication:

Your conversations are often mixed with speculation, misunderstandings, defensive reactions, destructive criticism, unfair fights, and aggressive energy. Many unresolved issues are ignored and you gradually learn to be careful and anxious to avoid conflict.

9. Decreased self-esteem:

Your personal boundaries are ignored and your sense of identity and

And the confusing part:

In between, there are still moments, and that's what makes it easy to stay good. makes it wet You have memories in your mind of times when everything seemed perfect and you still sometimes feel that he really cares about you.

But accepting a relationship that brings you so much pain and discomfort separates you from connecting with your intuition and your inner self.

This lack of harmony with yourself causes value. And you forget your dignity and as a result, you cannot get rid of an unhealthy situation.

Repetitive patterns and effective factors in choosing a life partner

For years, I was attracted to mysterious people and those who were emotionally immature. As different as these people looked, the pattern of the relationship was always the same: they were tense, unstable, unreliable, and often too wrapped up in their emotions to meet my needs. This pattern was repeated in an unhealthy way in every relationship I had.

Now I can see that it was rooted in a Freudian concept called the "repetition compulsion"—the subconscious force that compels us to repeat our past patterns over and over in the hopes that we can heal and master those hurts, even if the repetition is to our detriment. When we fail to bring the unconscious to consciousness, this cycle repeats itself many times. I was actually running after versions of my emotionally immature father who could never meet my mother's needs.

I thought my previous partners were more empathetic and vulnerable than they really were. In response to their self-centeredness, each time I made myself smaller and smaller until I no longer needed anything—just like my mother had done with my father for years. Those past traumas made me a very independent person and trapped me in a cycle of despair.

style Attachments are also important

Attachment styles played a big role in this issue. Having an anxious attachment style, I was attracted to partners who had an avoidant style and kept enough distance to keep me attached. This combination made the relationship unstable, but it was familiar to me because it was the only thing I had ever known.

Ultimately, we like what we know.

Psychology calls this phenomenon the “familiarity effect” or “familiarity bias”; A rule of thumb is that familiarity breeds attraction, and that we prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar.

Identifying Common Traits in Past Partners

Start examining patterns that have been repeated in your romantic history. This exercise will help you discover recurring themes and behaviors. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• What kind of people are you usually attracted to?
• How does your image of your ideal partner "type" limit your choices to people who may not be capable of deep intimacy?
• Are there traits like empathy, patience, vulnerability, etc. that unwittingly draw you into toxic relationships?
• Usually How do these relationships end?
• Are there common factors in the breakup?
• What did the behaviors or words of your past partners reveal about you?
• How is this feeling of familiarity related to your childhood experiences?
• What stories do your partners tell you about your personality or existence?
• Have you accepted unhealthy behaviors? If so, what were those behaviors?
• Have you always looked for love in the same type of people?

Now write in your journal about the people you were attracted to:

• What qualities did they have in common?
• Were there consistent deficits in important qualities you needed — such as emotional availability, empathy, awareness?
• Why despite the lack of values Basically, did you accept the relationship?
• Have you ever felt like you were "exaggerating" to ask for things like respect or commitment?
• Have you sacrificed your needs and values in order to maintain the relationship in hopes of changing them?

Knowing these patterns can help you avoid attracting toxic partners in the future.

Methods for Identifying and Changing Traumatic Patterns

After Traumatic Patterns Once you know the cause, the next step is to learn to trust your intuition. Early in a toxic relationship, you may feel that something is not right; Maybe you are not sure if this person is right for you or you feel that you cannot be your true self when you are with him. Instead of ignoring that gut feeling just because you're excited about the possibility of his love, it's better to listen more closely to that inner voice.

Another way is to date people outside of your "usual type". It is better to go beyond superficial filters such as height, age, background or appearance and instead, look for positive and important qualities such as kindness, understanding, honesty and stability. When you look for signs of mental health, emotional maturity and self-awareness before getting into a serious relationship, you will end up in healthier relationships. Know your values ​​and standards that cannot be overlooked and let go of any relationship that is not able to provide these qualities from the beginning.

Finally, talk honestly with your trusted loved ones. Getting their input during relationships will help you see what you might be overlooking and stay stable. Also, practice setting healthy boundaries throughout your relationship and get into the habit of writing a journal to observe patterns and gain a more accurate view of your partner.

The Importance of Self-Awareness

When I was caught in the most toxic relationship of my life, I finally faced my own history. This was the biggest push for me. I realized that I can't always write a new happy ending with the same unhealthy characters. I was tired of trying to get my needs met by men who weren't able to give it in the first place.

Remember that self-awareness is valuable, but Mercy It is equally important to yourself. You may be tempted to blame yourself for getting into painful relationships. Forgive yourself for not seeing the warning signs and staying in those relationships too long. You can't change the past, but you can look back with gratitude at the changes you are making now. From now on, you can walk more confidently and embrace healthier relationships in your life.

Finding the right support can play a key role. A psychotherapist specializing in self-esteem, relationship dynamics, or attachment styles can be a reliable companion to help clarify the situation, process your relationship experiences, and guide you every step of the way.

Source:

https://www.verywellmind.com/why-do-i-always-attract-toxic-partners-8745854