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What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychological problem characterized by emotional instability, Intellectual problems, impulsive and self-harming behaviors, and most importantly, serious problems in interpersonal relationships are known. People with borderline personality disorder often face many problems in their romantic relationships. The relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder is often chaotic, tense and full of conflict.

In the diagnostic criteria of DSM, disturbance in close relationships is one of the main features of borderline personality disorder. People with BPD often experience many challenges and problems in their emotional and friendship relationships. A relationship with a person with BPD is often full of tension and conflict.

Unhealthy patterns in relationships of a person with borderline personality

A person with BPD shows unhealthy patterns in their relationships, some of which include:

• Fear of abandonment Becoming: People with BPD have an intense and constant fear of rejection, which causes them to be constantly on the lookout for the slightest signs of abandonment and rejection and to react in unusual ways. For example, if the romantic partner of a person with borderline personality is at work late, the person will conclude that their romantic partner is going to leave them. As a result, he/she shows frantic efforts, such as begging or extreme aggression towards the partner.
• Idealization and denigration: One of the characteristics of BPD in relationships is that the other person is either held in high esteem or greatly despised. At the beginning of the relationship, they may idealize the romantic partner. However, because people with borderline personality often see everything in black and white, they suddenly start to despise their romantic partner if they make a mistake.
• Instability and impulsivity: A person with borderline personality is always involved in internal conflicts and fluctuates between demanding love and attention (due to fear of abandonment) and suddenly withdrawing (due to feelings of suffocation or fear of intimacy).

In addition, impulsive behaviors such as risky sexual relations or rash spending are some other characteristics of people with borderline personality that can cause a lot of stress and conflict in their marital relationships.

Read more: What is psychotic depression?

The cycle of love and hate in relationships of people with BPD

Relationships with a person with borderline personality disorder are usually chaotic, tense and full of conflict. These people are emotionally unstable and have many mood swings. One of the destructive patterns of borderline personality is extreme swings between idealization and contempt, also known as the BPD relationship cycle or the love-hate cycle. This unhealthy cycle robs the person with borderline personality disorder of maintaining a stable relationship.

This cycle often begins with an intense phase of idealization. A person with borderline personality disorder may fall in love very quickly and see the other person as their "lost half" and "savior". This honeymoon period is enjoyable for the romantic partner because they feel very loved and accepted by the person with BPD.

However, the ideal state of the BPD relationship is inherently fragile, as people with BPD see the world in black and white, seeing people as either "totally good" or "totally bad." When the partner finally makes a mistake, the borderline's idealized image collapses in the blink of an eye, and the cycle continues to humiliate the partner. A BPD patient may see their romantic partner as "selfish" or "horrible". src="data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns=%22http://www.w3.org/2000/svg%22%20viewBox=%220%200%201200%20900%22%3E%3C/svg%3E" data-src="https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-02.webp" alt="Borderline personality disorder and emotional relationship" width="1200" height="900" data-srcset="https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-02-280x210.webp 280w, https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-02-768x576.webp 768w, https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-02.webp 1200w" data-sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px">

Mood and emotional fluctuations of the borderline person are intensified by the intense fear of abandonment. The chronic anxiety of these people keeps them always on the alert for signs of rejection. These people interpret even small events such as not texting or spending time with friends as impending betrayal. Also, sometimes a person with borderline personality performs behaviors such as discussion or curiosity to gauge the other person's reaction to ensure their partner's love and loyalty. In such a situation, the relationship may experience strong negative emotions and then try to repair it. A relationship that goes this way is constantly involved in a cycle of love and hate and experiences a recurring merry-go-round of ups and downs.

Extreme fear of abandonment and extreme efforts to avoid it

Borderline people are extremely afraid of abandonment and this is one of the main causes of problems. In the emotional relationships of the person with BPD. This fear is described in the diagnostic criteria for BPD as "frenzied efforts to avoid abandonment." The borderline person is often afraid that others will abandon him; Therefore, he sees any small incident as a sign of abandonment.

For example, a delay in responding to a message, spending time with friends, or attending to other personal matters may cause a strong reaction in the borderline. These reactions can include begging, aggression, or trying to get too much attention. The fear of abandonment in borderline people is not just a passing feeling, but a permanent and active fear that underlies many borderline people's behaviors.

Even the thought that the emotional partner of a person with BPD might be happy without them or take care of their needs can cause severe anxiety in these people. Because of this, the person with borderline personality disorder tries to control everything. Also, BPD people sometimes engage in extreme behaviors to ensure their partner's love and attention. These behaviors may be repeated attempts to gain attention, test loyalty, or create situations to gauge a partner's reaction. In most cases, these actions intensify the fire of anxiety and tension in the relationship.

Emotional instability and outbursts of anger in relationships

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by severe emotional instability and serious problems in interpersonal relationships. Emotional instability is one of the main characteristics of borderline personality disorder and causes the romantic relationships of these people to be full of tension and conflicting feelings. Borderline people's mood changes quickly; These people may be happy one moment and laugh out loud with great joy and euphoria, and the next, they may be anxious and upset and be aggressive or cry.

One of the diagnostic criteria of BPD is intense and uncontrolled anger with extreme mood swings that can leave the emotional partner feeling helpless and hurt. These extreme reactions often lead to perceived or real threats to the relationship, which are rooted in a deep fear of abandonment.

In romantic relationships, the person with BPD directs their anger at someone they feel closer to. Therefore, the anger, aggression and belligerent behaviors of a person with borderline personality disorder in an emotional relationship are caused by a reaction to intense emotional pain and not a conscious intention to harm the partner. Borderline people may show impulsiveness with outbursts of anger, which include yelling, verbal aggression, throwing things, or even suddenly withdrawing from the relationship.

These emotional outbursts can disrupt the relationship in the short term and erode trust and emotional security in the long term. On the other hand, after each outburst of anger, the borderline person often feels regret, anxiety or depression and tries to repair the relationship; This process fuels the alternating and destructive cycle of love and hate in a BPD relationship.

Read more: What is Conversion Disorder? (Conversion Disorder)

The effect of borderline personality on spouse and children

Borderline personality disorder may suffer from serious problems in interpersonal relationships and its effects on family, spouse and children. این افراد تغییرات خلقی شدیدی دارند و رابطه با آنها، اغلب پر از احساس ناتوانی، آسیب دیدگی و بی‌ثباتی دائمی است. Living with a person who has borderline personality disorder can be very stressful and tiring for his wife.

Rapid mood changes, outbursts of anger and emotional instability make the wife of a borderline person constantly feel like she is walking on the edge of a razor and can never experience the necessary peace and stability in her relationship. This instability sometimes leads to a feeling of failure, anxiety and a decrease in self-confidence in the spouse and creates severe psychological pressure. src="data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg%20xmlns=%22http://www.w3.org/2000/svg%22%20viewBox=%220%200%201200%20900%22%3E%3C/svg%3E" data-src="https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-04.webp" alt="Borderline personality in relationship " width="1200" height="900" data-srcset="https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-04-280x210.webp 280w, https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-04-1024x768.webp 1024w, https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-04-768x576.webp 768w, https://drdr.ir/mag/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/bpd-borderline-relationship-04.webp 1200w" data-sizes="(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px">

Children are also greatly affected by the behaviors of a person with BPD. The borderline parent's emotional instability can cause the child to grow up in an environment full of tension, unpredictability, and incompatibility and suffer from anxiety and fear of rejection. Also, the borderline parent can have a negative effect on their child's social skills and sense of security in the long term and even prepare the ground for their child to develop BPD. In addition to these cases, the borderline person's continuous efforts to gain attention or control their partner and children can trap the family in a vicious cycle of tension and repair. The spouse and children of the borderline person often learn to limit their behavior or constantly watch for the borderline parent's reaction to avoid conflict. This state can lead to chronic anxiety, reduced self-confidence and even psychological problems in family members and put their interpersonal relationships under severe pressure.

Management and treatment of borderline personality in a relationship

Management and treatment of borderline personality challenges in a romantic relationship requires professional support. Borderline personality disorder can be treated and the affected person can build healthier relationships and achieve relative peace by trying and getting help from a mental health specialist. Although many people report symptoms of borderline personality disorder even after treatment, treatment and support for these people can control their symptoms to a great extent.

For a person with borderline personality, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is one of the most effective types of cognitive behavioral therapy that greatly helps in managing interpersonal relationships. Mindfulness-based therapy (MBT) also helps a person better understand his own and others' thoughts and feelings.

Although medication does not directly treat BPD, it can sometimes be a complementary treatment to control symptoms such as anger, anxiety, impulsivity, negative thoughts, or depression. Psychiatrists often prescribe SSRI antidepressants such as sertraline, fluoxetine, and citalopram, anxiolytics or sedatives such as buspirone and diazepam, and mood stabilizers such as lithium or valproate, depending on the severity and type of borderline personality disorder symptoms. Also, low-dose antipsychotic drugs are sometimes used to reduce scattered thoughts, frequent misunderstandings, or intense anger.

Individual psychotherapy can be effective in improving emotion regulation skills, impulsivity control, and interpersonal relationship management. Also, couples therapy helps to improve the emotional relationship, healthy emotional boundaries and effective communication methods. The best treatment for borderline personality disorder is a combination of drug therapy, individual psychotherapy, and couple therapy. The combination of these treatments helps the affected person to find more peace and benefit from higher quality relationships. Also, his family members and romantic partner can live in a safer environment with less stress.

Doctor's Last Word

Despite its many challenges, borderline personality disorder is still treatable and manageable. By accurately recognizing behavioral patterns, accepting challenges and using effective treatment methods, the relationship with a person with BPD can become more stable and healthy over time. Professional support, psychotherapy and emotional regulation skills training help the person with borderline personality disorder and their emotional partner to live in a safe environment with less stress. With an online visit, DoctorDoctor provides consultation with the most experienced psychologists, psychiatrists and mental health specialists with just a few simple clicks so that the borderline person and his family can go through the path of treatment and recovery more easily and effectively. data-toggle="collapse"> Why does borderline personality have tense relationships?