Ever come across someone who brags about their charms when they walk in front of the mirror? Most of the time, he looks down on others and thinks he is the best, as if they are the center of the world and others should revolve around them! Such characteristics are seen in narcissistic people. You might say to yourself: "Wow, they have high self-esteem", but it should be noted that it was not always like this and does not indicate high self-esteem. In this article from Chaman Psychology Clinic website, we explain the characteristics of narcissistic people and how it is related to self-esteem, which is a very fundamental concept. Do narcissists have high self-esteem? Narcissus Narcissus is one of the lesser-known Greek mythological characters, in stories he is described as a proud person who rejects the love and affection of others and suddenly falls in love with the reflection of his face in the water; Today, in the science of psychology, his name is used to name a disorder whose main characteristic is self-centeredness and self-conceit, that is, narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists believe that they only deserve the company of high-ranking people because ordinary people will not be able to understand them. Such characteristics make it difficult and challenging to live and have long-term relationships with these people. One of the clear examples of this is when a problem occurs in a relationship, but the happy person puts all the blame on the other person and does not take his part in the problem. On the other hand, due to their sense of superiority, they cannot empathize with others as they should, and in other words, they do not understand the conditions of others, because most of the time, the main attention of narcissistic people is on themselves. They have little insight into some of their personality traits, so it is very rare that they voluntarily go to a psychologist, often their spouse or family members encourage them to do so or act together. On the other hand, self-esteem means a sense of inner sufficiency and worth. Those who have high self-esteem consider themselves lovable regardless of their achievements, and when they are criticized and evaluated by others, they may experience some negative feelings, but in general, their inner sense of themselves changes less and as a result, they show a better reaction to the critic. In other words, the cornerstone of their mental image of themselves is so strong that it will not be destroyed by any criticism, and so to speak, "they are not willows that shake with these winds." Maybe at first glance, a person who considers himself the main axis of the world seems to have self-esteem, but when we go a little deeper, we realize that they have put a golden mask on their face of a lack of inner worth, and if this mask is damaged, they respond with anger. One of the distinguishing points of narcissistic people with high self-esteem is how they react to hearing "criticism"; A person with self-esteem listens to that criticism with acceptance due to an inner sense of worth and tries to learn from it if he has made a mistake, in other words, that criticism does not penetrate into the person's ego and does not break him because he is aware that even if he makes a mistake, he still remains a valuable human being. On the other hand, a narcissist does not consider himself valuable due to his lack of self-respect (self-esteem), so if he makes a mistake, it means that he has a defect and is not good enough, as a result, he fights back to defend this feeling and may react aggressively to criticism. For a narcissist, the evaluation and opinion of others is very decisive. They try to appear flawless in order to feel better about themselves, while this issue may end up being detrimental to them and they can never be their real selves and lose their authenticity. They have inflated and fragile self-esteem, which means that self-esteem may seem high from the outside, but it bursts with the slightest blow. Next, we will discuss the characteristics of fragile self-esteem. What are the characteristics of fragile self-esteem? As mentioned, self-respect means an inner feeling of self-worth regardless of any external evaluation; When they try to show that they love themselves on the surface, but all those stories and definitions are tied to a thread, then the self-esteem is fragile or so-called inflated, the characteristics of which are: **defensive mode** This defensive mode is activated when the flawless image of the narcissist is damaged. For example, if you tell them that: "Blue lenses don't suit your skin color very much," you will face a defensive reaction, and they may even give you this defensive attitude verbally. In addition, when you are around such people, you feel that you have to be careful and considerate so as not to "step on the lion's tail". **make sure** Who hates a compliment? Almost no one! It's always nice to hear compliments from others, but not in a way that becomes the basis of your mental image. Narcissistic people need praise from others to maintain their positive self-image; If they don't find a source to solve this need, they go to the next source. Narcissists may constantly seek external validation of their worth, such as: Spouse approval Good grades A compliment from a stranger All these things serve to prove that a person is good and great and inflate your empty self-esteem like a ball. Grand Secretary As mentioned, narcissistic people do not necessarily have high self-esteem, but usually suffer from lack of it, since they do not feel valuable inside themselves, they need to somehow receive the feeling of being adequate and lovable from the outside, for this reason, they think of others as inferior to themselves. They have a magnifying glass in their hands, which usually magnifies the weaknesses of others and skillfully fills in the shortcomings of those around them; If they consider others as weak in their mind, they can easily consider themselves higher and bigger. What happens in the childhood of a narcissist? Parents' educational style, along with many other factors, plays an effective role in the formation of a child's personality. Traces of strict parents can be seen in the early life history of narcissists, the parent/parents of narcissists were often strict with them in various areas and expected them to be perfect. Therefore, the child concludes with himself that he must be perfect, otherwise he will be rejected. Although the parents consider the child flawless, the child may experience social rejection such as not being accepted in the peer group, being humiliated and ridiculed by others, etc. At this time, an internal conflict is formed in the child, the parents want him to be perfect, but the social groups do not see him as such. In response to such a conflict, the child's positive and negative self-images are separated from each other; The image of perfection (that is, the positive part) remains in him on the objective level, but all the negative images are buried on the implicit level. When a person has a sense of internal inadequacy at the same time as a great sense of external responsibility, then he will have a vulnerable self and move towards narcissistic traits. Narcissism and shame Denying negative images and overemphasizing positive aspects is a kind of coping approach in self-obsessed people, which ultimately leads to creating an unrealistic image of them. As mentioned, the separation of positive and negative images (representations) ultimately creates a negative image that is internal and general; Therefore, a person becomes unable to separate bad behavior from himself, and after every failure, he returns to a fixed and stable statement that: "I failed because I am a bad person, and I will always remain a bad person." If someone thinks that they are worthless and bad if they make a mistake or fail, it is almost impossible not to feel shame. Shame is an underlying emotion in people with narcissism. So the construction of an inflated and fragile self-esteem that we talked about can be a defense system against deep feelings of shame. If happy people, like others, simply felt bad after failure and not feeling bad about themselves (shame), probably many of the interpersonal characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder would not be seen in them. What are the types of narcissism? So far, we talked about a kind of happiness that the Grand Secretary was the main aspect of; But in this section, we are going to talk about another type of this disorder, which is a point of dispute. This type of narcissism is not mentioned in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), but researchers and psychologists in this field refer to it during clinical work. The second type of narcissistic disorder is called vulnerable. Vulnerable narcissists, unlike the grandiose type, express their feelings of inadequacy, are usually dissatisfied with themselves, and are overly sensitive to events that are supposed to be evaluated by others. They have less courage in realizing their ambitious dreams, their self-exaltation tendencies have a chance to be present only in their imaginations. The vulnerable type, like the big type, may use others for their own benefit. Although these people have tendencies of superiority over others, they are seen as modest, humble people, always helping others and benevolent. One of the main differences between the two types of narcissists is that the grandiose type openly demands admiration from others, while the vulnerable type feels insecure about such a request. Treatment of narcissistic personality disorder S.R. Maddi, a clinical psychologist, defines personality as follows: A relatively stable set of psychological behavior (thoughts, actions, and feelings) that includes our core and peripheral tendencies and shows our commonalities and differences from each other. Personality is not a product of biological events and cannot be attributed to temporary economic, social, political and cultural pressures. Various psychologists in the history of this field have defined personality from various dimensions, and Madi is one of them. One of the important points of the above definition is about the relative stability of the character; In other words, we cannot consider a feature as part of someone's character if the next day he no longer has the desired feature! The personality has a relative stability, which is exactly why the treatment of personality disorders is a bit time-consuming and difficult because they were founded in the past and those characteristics became a part of the person's personality. The treatment of narcissistic personality disorder will also be challenging for this reason, but it becomes possible with the help of experienced psychologists. Various psychological services can be effective in treating this issue, including: Individual treatment Group therapy drug therapy Finally, it should be noted that these characteristics are on a continuum and if someone has one or two of the mentioned symptoms, they are not necessarily suffering from a disorder. When you don't have a complete picture of someone's mental health, it's not a good idea to label them with a disorder. In general, the diagnosis of a psychological disorder is between a person and his psychologist/psychiatrist, unless the person personally informs you of the diagnosis! Therefore, if you or your loved ones are involved with such cases in such a way that they face problems in their life function, we suggest that you benefit from the help of the psychologists of Chaman Clinic.

Admin June 21, 1403 Personal counseling, family counseling, child counseling

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